By Steve Penner
December 14, 2007 6:00 AM
Here we are, in the midst of the holiday season, surrounded by a seemingly never-ending barrage of Rachael Ray commercials, tree lighting ceremonies, shopping trips, crafts fairs and, one hopes, get-togethers with friends and family.
Each of us celebrates the season in our own way. As I wrote last week ("Remember single friends at the holidays") —¦the holiday season is a very intense time of year that tends to magnify one's personal level of happiness or unhappiness."
Two responses to that column show how people perceive the written word from their own perspective. One woman e-mailed:
"I just wanted to thank you for your recent article ...; It very much hit home for me — a year and a half ago my husband deserted me after 15 years together and left me penniless, am just coming off of very tumultuous divorce, this will be second Xmas/holiday season since it happened, and it is still so incredibly hard. What you wrote is so true — the holidays do tend to 'magnify' the loneliness/emptiness that one (at least me) feels in these situations. Mine was made worse by the fact that my ex-husband's family and our mutual friends all stopped speaking to me as soon as he left — not contacting me, and not responding when I tried to contact them — they basically acted as if I fell off the earth. At Xmas he and I always used to get at least 20 or 30 Xmas cards — last year (aside from my immediate family) I got a total of one Xmas card. That hit me very deep...;"
But another woman wrote:
"Your article last week is contributing to the myth that all single people are lonely, pitiful things. PLEASE. So not true. My single friends and I look at the overweight miserable marrieds and pity them for having to put up with crappy relatives and staged family events that no one really wants to go to. Single women and men have the freedom to do whatever the heck they want to during the holidays. I read and talk to friends all over the country. I have friends over or they have me over for laughs and wine. I have a few businesses that I work on during my free time because I enjoy it. I take the time to visit my elderly friends and catch up on movies — whether staying in or going out. Sometimes I take a trip to Barnes and Noble and stay there for hours reading and buying new books and listening to new music — never worrying that I have to be home by my curfew. If you're comfortable in your own skin, being single is very freeing and fun."
Well, to each her own. But as I originally wrote, single men do not get together for "laughs and wine" (unless the Patriots are playing).
In response to another recent column, "Don't ignore your bio clock," one woman e-mailed:
"Wanted to say that your article was appreciated. All too often, women do not realize their 'waiting until their schooling is complete,' then starting their career before they have children can really put a damper on childbearing. Ask me I know! Due to waiting too long, I had to have a radical hysterectomy at age 36, never to be a mother. Then come to find out, there are MANY in the world saddened as I am. Myself and a friend...; created www.childlessnotbychoice.com.
"Many of our members fit the descriptions in your article. Other scenarios included spouses not wanting (more) children since they had them w/a previous wife; some spouses just do not want any; do IVF after IVF (in vitro fertilization) to still come up empty-armed; failed adoptions, etc. Nonetheless, I wanted to commend you for writing what you did. If those women who 'wait,' wait any longer, they'll end up NEEDING our Web site. WE are an 'ilk' unto ourselves. WE are a misunderstood segment of society."
I hope everyone, whether single or married, childless or not, can make the best of the next couple of weeks. For so many people, the term "Merry Christmas" rolls off the tongue with the same reflex-like response of a well-trained store clerk saying "Have a nice day."
So the next time you say "Merry Christmas" to a friend, relative or acquaintance whom you know is going through a rough patch, think about what you can do to add real meaning to those words.
Steve Penner was the owner of the Boston-based dating service LunchDates for nearly 23 years and interviewed and listened to feedback from thousands of single men and women from all over New England. "The Truth about Dating" reflects insights and observations based upon his experience. Steve welcomes feedback at pennerst@hotmail.com or through his Web site at http://thetruthaboutdating.com.
