TELL ME ABOUT IT Couple must sort out their deferences

By CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn: I'm dating a wonderful woman who is a perfect match -- except we're not the same religion.

I'm fine with her choices and more than happy to support them. Except that's not enough; I'm expected to convert, too.

I think this is part of her "princess fantasy" of what a wedding and happily-ever-after would look like, without an appreciation for how life might affect it.

There is a selfish assumption that I be the one to convert. She adamantly will never consider doing so for me -- not that I'd expect her to. It's the whole "you sacrifice and I don't" thing that bothers me, when I think couples should be about shared sacrifices.

I am also concerned about a possible social chill on my family and friends, who are also not of this same religion.

I'm feeling pushed to decide, even though by her own admission it took her 20-plus years to become spiritually mature in her beliefs.

-- Chicago


Dear Chicago: If this were just about faith, I imagine it would be an easier decision.

But you're conflating faith, fairness, character, intolerance and those dubious perfection claims, and knotting them with astonishing communication problems.

The following questions either end the discussion or lead to the next question:

1. Is your faith such that converting is even possible?

2. Is she worth leaving your faith, or is your faith worth leaving her?

3. Do you believe in her enough, and in her rationale, to convert gladly?

If you're doubting, then:

4. Consider context. "Shared sacrifices" don't mean that each of you budges exactly 50 percent. Sometimes it means you cave this time, and she caves on something else you're adamant about -- assuming both of you really mean it, and aren't just caving to preserve harmony.

If you question her commitment to that, then:

5. You suspend this inner dialogue and start talking to her. "How would you define 'shared sacrifices'?" Discuss.

If you do trust each other, then:

6. You both figure out what foreseeable changes marriage would entail. Don't blow past the little things. Life with someone is an accumulation of little things.

7. You both weigh whether you're ready to adjust for each other.

The best way to decide is for you both to know yourselves. Then, show each other exactly what that means, without obstructing the view.

Write to Carolyn Hax -- whose column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays -- at tellme@wash

post.com.